Warning: Shattered heart, shards all over the place. Walk with care.


I prefer taking pictures in black and white. It's simpler, plus it brings out certain angles, a certain mood. Photographs in color are raw, in your face, blending a palette of colors and making you see them all. In black and white there is only black and white. There are shadows and variations, and grays, but it's black and white in the end. I like things black and white. I like to know what I am dealing with. I am not good with color. I am not good with raw emotions. I like a veneer not easily broken. Emotion flashing under the veneer, hardly visible. I get anxious around confrontations, arguments. My throat swells up and it feels like I swallowed a peach whole. I'd rather not fight and pretend the thing never happened. Can we just e-mail the heavy stuff? I'd be alot more rational and wouldn't feel or look like a crying, emotional, dramatic teenager. Atleast not in front of you. The crying, emotional drama would be done in front of the computer screen and isn't that more dignified? Words never fail me but emotions always do.

Yesterday I read the memoir Dry by Augusten Burroughs. I read it in one day. I want to blame it on the large font type, but the truth is I'm a fast reader and devour books. I probably shouldn't. Probably should take more time tasting the book; savoring every moment. But that would be like betraying myself. Betraying my character, my inner bookworm. The book is about being an addict. He was an alcoholic, but it dealt with many different types of addictions; crack, cocaine, Valium, etc. He didn't try explaining these addicitons, he just laid it out as they were and how it affected his life. How he made excuses for his behavior and for his addictions. How we fall for people who need mending, other addicts, and how a problem could be right in front of our noses and we would never see it until a major event happened and then blam! the problem is as clear as day and right under your nose as predicted.

I can be quite a rational person. I can think important things over and make good, qualified decisions. What I'm bad with are the results. I don't think the results through. There can be many results, but usually I just think about the preferred one and forget about the rest. I never think about all the consequences my decisions incur. Growing up I learned to disconnect myself from certain situations. My body would be there, but my mind was flying many miles above the stratosphere. I also compartmentalize situations when I can't handle them right then and there, and then go back to them later, when I can handle and analyze them. I think both these habits are eventually going to get me into trouble. As it is, I already see myself crumbling one day. Maybe it's the day I get a moldy donut and it hits me all at once and I stand on the corner bawling my eyes dry over something I did twenty years ago.

People keep asking me how I feel about the breakup, or they walk on eggshells, covering their mouths with their hands when boyfriend talk slips out. This doesn't affect me. You can talk about relationships and boyfriends and sex all night until your tongue bleeds and it won't affect me. It won't make me tear up and think about him and us and what we used to be. No, what breaks me down are certain moments; it could be a song that comes on, or a highway, or even a signal. Certain things make me catch my breath and make me realize once again that we are not together and that I can't call him when I feel sad or when I had a fight with my mom. I can't count on him anymore because he is not mine anymore. I miss the comfort of having a place other than my home to go to and relax. I miss calling him. I miss the hugs I would force him to give me. I miss us and us is over. I'm currently at the getting over him stage and I think this stage will be done soon. It takes time, but eventually you look to the future and not to the past and then you're ready for a new adventure in love.