Eeeeeeeeeeek and a little bit of aaaaaaaaaarrgh with a dose of fuuuuuuuuck

I've somehow misplaced 20 bucks.
Fuck. Shit. Poop. Lotsa poop.
Also, chucha.
I hate misplacing things. I hate misplacing and losing money even more. Granted I haven't lost anything in a big long while, so losing 20 dollars is going to drive me unbearably insane (also, why does Captain Insano come to mind? Does this guy even exist? Who are you Captain Insano and do you perhaps wrestle in bold colored spandex?). My dreams are going to be populated by dancing $20 dollar bills for days now. Tap-dancing $20 dollar bills. They'll be doing the Charleston, I am so sure of it.

In more bad and unpleasant news (and a bit gross, too), those mosquitoe bites are not really mosquitoe bites but chigger bites. You know, the kind that are incredibly itchy and form red welts? Yeah, if you're not upheaving right now then you have a much stronger stomach than I do. So my retired nurse turned grandma looked at the bites and said yeah, they might be chigger bites so cover them with cortisone. CORTISONE, ofcourse! I'm sure I've mentioned this only a million times but my family is a firm believer in cortisone. In our household it's a cure all. Seriously, you may be bleeding to death and my mother or grandmother will chime in saying you need cortisone.

Anyways, I'm sure I got the chigger bites at the beach. You see, I thought it would be a fucking fabulous idea to run through the grass with a bunch of saint bernard puppies trailing behind me. It would be just like those clothes softener commercials where the woman in a white gown prances through the high grass with puppies, except that for me it was like woman in shorts and a bathingsuit prancing through weeds and getting attacked by chiggers. Also, never sit in the grass. Not a good idea unless you want a chigger bite on your lower back that itches like the Itch from Hell (be frightened by the Itch from Hell, for it will itch so badly you will scratch it unconsciously while you sleep and while eating at restaurants. It will shame you and make you feel uncomfortable and itchy and scratchy and itchy again and then when you've had enough you feel like gouging out the infected area with a bowie knife because it is that itchy. Beware, beware of the Itch from Hell.).

What have we learned today, children?
Keep an eye on your fucking money and never ever try to immitate softener commercials cause you can bet your ass that the actress in the commercial never got bitten by chiggers. Also, saint bernard puppies? Too cute.